Here in Heaven
by Eirenei
Summary: AU: Ciel is contemplating his life… before the completion of the contract.


_HERE IN HEAVEN_

_

* * *

_Kuroshitsuji

* * *

_**Disclaimer:**_ The characters of **_Kuroshitsuji_** and the song, **_Here in Heaven _**belong to their respective owners. It was just a plot bunny that bit me, and here we are. If you want to listen to the song, go to Youtube.

_**Summary:**_ AU: Ciel is contemplating his life… before the completion of the contract.

_**Shout Out:**_ It's a pet project of mine, and I tried to have the two of them in character as much as possible, but I have a limited understanding of that particular anime, so_…/Shrugs/._ Made that in AU.

_**Warnings:**_ It's SLASH – meaning, boy/boy love. The age isn't mentioned, so you can imagine Ciel as underage, or over the age of content. So please no moaning and groaning about that! And if you don't like that particular pairing, go elsewhere. You were warned.

* * *

_Would you know my name  
If I saw you here in heaven?_

A single cerulean blue eye looked at the setting sun. It was Ciel's evening ritual; if he had time enough, he would invariably watch the sun setting down.

The sky was lit with colors – peach, gold, salmon and blue hues that made one think they were in Eldorado and not on that accursed ground that was Phantomhive estate.

* * *

_Would it be the same  
If I saw you here in heaven?_

He didn't want to admit it to anyone, not even to himself, - but in those moments, he felt irrevocably alone and lost – it wasn't a good feeling, but he got used to it.

_'Mother… Father..?'_

His traitorous thoughts slipped back to those happy times, when he was still a carefree child, playing with toys and relishing the affection of his Mother and pride of his Father.

He wanted not to think about them.

They were dead.

They were… in heaven.

* * *

_I must be strong  
And carry on,  
'Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven._

But he was still alive. He was Ciel Phantomhive, the Queen's loyal dog and the unfortunate person who offered their soul to the demon, in exchange for revenge.

He should've been happy. His… job was not without perks, anyway. He enjoyed bringing criminals down - the more, the better.

In the distance, there tolled a bell, announcing an evening mass.

Elegantly sculpted lips thinned.

They could at least pray for their redemption.

Not him.

For he was already damned.

* * *

_Would you hold my hand  
If I saw you here in heaven?_

Sometimes, he dreamed. Of them. In heaven. The dreams were always the same – he stood in the middle of a beautiful field. Looking at his parents, laughing and smiling at each other… the genuine affection on their faces always stabbed his heart with a bittersweet pain.

He wanted to move. He wanted to go to them.

He wanted to call them –

But he didn't.

* * *

_Would you help me stand  
If I saw you here in heaven?_

He stood there, stock still, his heart aching at their beauty and joy. He wanted to move, but he couldn't.

»Young Master, wake up, « A smooth voice called him, and then he woke up. Those times, he was simultaneously grateful and irritated for his butler's presence. In the living world, he could at least _do _something –not like hesitating and wondering whether his parents would recognize him, embrace him, help him stand up and reassure him that it all would be alright.

* * *

_I'll find my way  
Through night and day,  
'Cause I know I just can't stay  
Here in heaven._

Day after day, and night after night, it was all the same. If it weren't for him doing the duties of being Queen's dog, then he was learning, being forced to entertain Lizzie or attend soirees and galas or checking his business ventures. His butler was a faithful shadow at his side, abiding his orders, waiting for the end of that particular game of chess.

This one chess game that Ciel could never, ever win.

* * *

_Time can bring you down,  
Time can bend your knees.  
Time can break your heart,  
Have you begging please, begging please._

Once upon a time, he broke.

Once upon a time, he begged – a proud, innocent, spoiled little child, heir of Phantomhive family, begged. He had pleaded for all of it to be just a nightmare, a mockery of senses and imagination upon his painfully beating heart.

He begged his… captors.

He pleaded with his… _Masters._

He prayed to God – in whispers, screams and words, but God was deaf.

He called to Devil, and Devil answered.

And when the contract was sealed, a searing pain in his left eye – so keen and sharp, like a hot poker to the skin, branding him for slaughter, like a cattle

His heart shattered.

* * *

_Beyond the door,  
There's peace I'm sure,  
And I know there'll be no more  
Tears in heaven._

He couldn't cry. No matter what, no matter the magnitude of his grief or any other pain that was inflicted upon him, he couldn't cry.

And even now, just upon the conclusion of contract, he couldn't cry.

Crying was such useless gesture, anyway.

Wryly, he mused on what awaited him.

If he were a God – fearing believer, he would look forward to peace and… Happiness?

He blinked, pondering that particular thought.

He would see his Mother, and Father. He would be… Happy?

Perhaps.

What a pipe dream that was.

He had gambled with Hell and lost; he had played with Devil and now, the Devil was due to his reward.

Was he scared? Yes.

Did he want to live? Yes… but what for? Being Queen's dog wasn't exactly glamorous occupation, he had exacted his revenge upon the fools who dared to sully him and the name of Phantomhive, and he really had no desire to procreate with Lizzie and watch his mansion being changed into frilly white and pink monstrosity of doom.

Would he miss them? His servants certainly were amusing, and there were also some other… noteworthy persons.

But the question was – would he even remember?

Would he be granted oblivion, the absolution?

»Then make it as painful as you can. Carve the pain of my life into my very bones. «

His last order.

Red eyes widened upon hearing it, the ex-butler clearly astonished at Ciel's… disregard of rules.

But when did Ciel Phantomhive ever played by the rules?

If it would be oblivion, so be it.

If it would be a damnation, fire and brimstone…

So be it, then.

He deserved it, anyway.

He closed his eyes.

_  


* * *

Would you know my name  
If I saw you here in heaven?_

He was prepared. He had no regrets. The world would go on without him just fine, anyway.

There was no wind. He was acutely aware of the slight cold permeating his clothes.

Soon, it would begin.

And not so soon, it would end.

Ciel Phantomhive didn't forgive, didn't forget and he always paid his debts.

Even to a demon.

* * *

_Would it be the same  
If I saw you here in heaven?_

A moment passed. Then two. He was standing here, and then, finally, he heard the soft rustling of clothes, as his butler – ex-butler now – approached him.

He was… _empty._

A cool hand touched his cheek, and Ciel forced himself not to flinch away.

What would be the point?

Gently, the hand moved Ciel's face upward, and then, he felt a warm breath on his lips.

* * *

_I must be strong  
And carry on,  
'Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven._

He inhaled a shocked breath when he felt something foreign on his lips. Barely, he forced himself not to move away, not to react –

The kiss was gentle as a butterfly wing.

Ciel was stumped.

Clearly, he wasn't … pure, due to the events that transpired in that catastrophic night, not in any way, shape or form, but this gentleness was something new, even for him.

Still, it could be a prelude to –

* * *

_'Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven._

The contact lasted a few more moments, before the demon straightened himself up.

The young Earl waited warily.

What was that demon of a butler up now?

»I'm afraid I can't hold up my part of bargain quite as we've drawn it…« the voice whispered to him, as he was drawn into the embrace.

»You see, Young Master, while you should indeed become a fine meal, I am afraid that I became very fond of you…«

Ciel's eyebrows scrunched in confusion, »What do you mean, demon? « He asked, confused.

»What game are you playing now? « The Earl demanded, his voice cracking in still air like a whip.

He was confused now, and Ciel didn't like to be confused!

Being confused meant being indecisive and being indecisive meant greater risk to making a mistake.

And in the game with demon, that was dangerous.

A familiar chuckle echoed in his eyes, making Ciel bristle slightly.

»No game, Young Master… for now. I want to… keep you. With me. « The whiskey smooth voice muttered in his hair.

»If I were to eat you, I'd be alone again. And I could hardly find such a… unique soul as yours is again. «

Ciel growled. Now, he was irritated, »But you promised – » He tried to finish the sentence, when he was stopped, this time by ungloved finger on his lips.

Opening his eyes, he stated into affectionate red orbs.

He blinked.

'_Affectionate…?'_

Since when was that… demon of a butler affectionate?

A catlike smirk on those slender lips made him scowl. »Ah, but Young Master, you forgot that there are many, many forms of torture. And I will honor our little bargain, in a way… what is more painful than just being alive…? «

Ciel opened his mouth, but reluctantly, he snapped his jaw shut. He scowled. »You truly are a demon…« he grumbled out.

His mutinous glare was greeted with an honest smile.

»Yes, « the demon agreed,

»I am but a demon of a butler - and I live to serve… only to you. «

Ciel's muffled protest was silenced with a kiss.

**_/The End /Owari/_**


End file.
